1)You get to choose from a choice of six different hells to go to depending on your beliefs and your Pendatang status.For most Pendatangs,this will actually be a marked improvement from life.
2)You get to appear to your descendents ,where their first question to you will likely be a request for Toto or Magnum.Or World Cup betting tips.
3)You get to choose between forests and highways to haunt.Unfortunately due to highway privatization,this number is limited to about 3 highways (Jelutong Expressway,Karak and Pantai Expressway-only PJS2-Datuk Harun).Forests are running low and soon you may be forced to haunt Desa Park City.
4)You get to watch people fight over your dead body.You know when people say ‘Over my dead body?’ Well in Malaysia,we don’t consider it an idiom.We take it as a personal challenge.
5)You get to finally meet your ancestors and slap them for landing too far North instead of Singapore and too South instead of Australia.But you can thank them for not landing in Yangon.
6)You can meet the Thai ghosts of Nang Nak or that woman from Shutter and ask them to finally tell you what makes their hair so awesome.And why the hell can’t you get the ‘right’ tomyam taste.
7)People can get you divorced from your widow.This is a recent development-so don’t be too alarmed yet.
8)Your graveyard will be a cow and goat farm.Except if you bought a plot in Nilai or Fairy Park or one of those fancy ones where they plant a tree for you to protect your bones from the elements.
9)You get to ask the dead forefathers of Malaysia why the heck did they produce such an ambiguous Constitution where every quarter gets to believe their interpretation is right.
10)You get to ask God what he was thinking when He created such things as the platypus,male nipples and Ibrahim Ali.
There once lived a King with lips pink and supple,
Who married a Queen,who loved golden truffle,
They lived in a castle, so faraway built,
With guards armed with lancers and swords in their hilt.
The King had advisors,so handsomely paid,
To praise him unending,daily they brayed,
So happy was the King that everyone loved him,
But he wondered sometimes why their smiles were so dim.
One day the King imposed a new tax,
And built one ‘yam teepee’,all made out of wax,
The people got angry,as land was not cheap,
And even the Old King started to leap!
The King’s own court started to murmur away,
What was he doing,who is to say?
But when the King asked them,all hushed down their tone,
They didn’t dare go against the mighty King alone.
But he’s not all that mighty,the Old King said,
And the people were worried they’d run out of bread,
And the King’s old enemies said,it serves them right!
Where were you all when we asked you to fight?
The King hosted a banquet,quite late at night,
And told all the people,things will be right,
But if you think, something is wrong,
This kingdom is not where you belong
Its not the time,said the near dead people,
If the King remains,the kingdom will cripple,
So the Old King challenged,the New to a duel,
He just wanted answers ,nothing too cruel.
The King’s Royal Guard closed down the gate,
They said any fight would only breed hate,
Confused,the people asked why?
Wasn’t he a warrior,or was that a lie?
1.Gangster Safari@ Pandamaran, Klang- From the safety of a bullet-and-parang-proof reinforced Alphard, lucky tourists will now be able to witness actual gangsters in their natural habitat. Imagine seeing tattooed shirtless people in real time gang fights, table talks and initiation ceremonies.Life insurance optional.
2.Merry-Go-Roundabout@Shah Alam- Guaranteed to be a fun ride for the whole family,the MGR promises a minimum of 20 circles in 20 minutes.After the exciting dizzy ride,guests will then be invited to play a game of Di Seksyen Mana Kami Berada? and winners will be given a voucher for shisha of a flavour of your choice at Shah Alam’s many hipster mamak outlets.
3.Immigrant-Landing Watching@ Port Dickson- Brought to you by the same team that introduced bird watching in Fraser’s Hill and turtle watching in Rantau Abang, the lack of flora and fauna has driven the business to be creative. Using high powered night vision telescopic lenses not yet available to the Malaysian Navy, the immigrant watching package comes complete with hot Milo and complimentary bag of Pagoda peanuts.Participants are encouraged to carry along their passports in event of raids to avoid being mistaken for an illegal immigrant.
4.Legal-Then Illegal-Then Legal Again-Rallies, any available padang@Throughout Semenanjung Malaysia – This free fortnightly event is organized by various rally enthusiast groups. Among the more well known ones include Bersih 2.0, Keadilan and for those who like extreme rallies, Perkasa.Tourists are encouraged to be and act as Caucasian as possible and carry along a big camera to avoid being mistaken as an Opposition sympathizer.The rallies in Malaysia can considered mild compared to the rallies in South American countries but could prove an exciting for, say, the pampered Scandinavian. Warning: Due to confusion over the word ‘ultra kiasu’ and the fact they look like rich Malaysians, Singaporeans are strongly discouraged to join.
5.Almost Malaysian Food@ Jalan Alor – Enjoy the taste of nearly authentic Malaysian food painstakingly prepared by carefully selected Malaysian-looking-but-not-really-Malaysian-foreigners. Choices include Indonesian Nasi Lemak, Thai Lok Lok and Vietnamese Chicken Rice. Be prepared to pay almost double the price though. Rest assured however, that it is money well spent.A good choice of imported beer labels are also available on tap. When we say imported, we of course mean Tsingtao. And when we say on tap, we of course mean, its mixed with tap water.
6.Customer Service Nightmare Thrill- For just RM 40, experience true customer service contact center hell with a non-simulated, real-life customer call to any one of the seven participating generic companies, including a telco, a bank, a government agency, a budget airline and a China made mobile phone manufacturer.Choose from Excruciating English Edward to I-Don’t-Really-Wanna-Be-Here-Amy with new characters introduced on a weekly basis. Package comes with a genuine Panadol pill and a glass of barley ice to recover your temperament and your voice.Lozenges available upon request.
7.The Kalah Toto Experience- Brainchild of a guy who lost it all then struck it big with a government crony grant, The Kalah Toto Experience involves tourists to genuine experience of losing a lottery ticket by one, two or three digits (different rates apply). Participants will be given a fake lottery ticket,and a simulated draw will reveal a near miss lottery win. Other variations involve Kalah Kuda Experience, Saham Bankrap Experience and Kalah Genting Experience (no relation to the actual company). For a small surcharge, a Bunuh Diri Bungee Jump is available. The extended experience involves a simulated Ah Long buying your pre-prepared fake Rolex and then you ‘killing’ yourself by jumping off a tall building.
8.The Taxpayer Circus Show- Held only a couple of times in a year, tourists will be feted to a full twenty hour session of insults, name-calling,lame arguments and faux threats in Parliament. Headphones with translations are provided in English,German,French and Proper Bahasa Malaysia.However for those who opt not to use the headphones, subtitles will be provided by an overhead LED that will occasionally be interrupted with advertisements that really shouldn’t be there, much like in the Malaysian satellite TV service, Astro.
9.Authentic Nature Trail Inland Social Project @Orang Asli Camps- Tourists now will get to choose between seven Orang Asal and nine Dayak/Kadazandusun communities to live with! And unlike most ‘touristy’ experiences where it’s not really authentic and staged, participants in ANTISOCIAL will be able to participate completely in the local life, problems, politics and strange food of the various indigenous groups in Malaysia. Tourists will be able to experience 2 entire weeks of being in touch with nature while being completely ignored by the government.For a slightly more urban experience, but still with the same level of being completely ignored,the semi clueless but good natured semi Caucasian NGO that runs ANTISOCIAL has now introduced ANTISOCIAL-Indian in more urbane environments.
10. Honk! The Paid Traffic Jam- After a short educational video on Malaysian swear words (Hokkien,English,Tamil and Malay) and gestures,tourists are brought on cool-named-highways to feel first hand, the agony of driving in KL and PJ.To make it even more authentic, tourists will be given a Touch and Go card to fully marvel at the fact that after fifteen years, Malaysians still have not learnt how to use it properly, just like how we haven’t learnt how to pronounce Carrefour or accept elections results properly.If they manage to not kill themselves after one hour,Non Muslim tourists will be given a bottomless beer while Muslim tourists will be given a Tabung Haji sponsored ticket for their whole family to perform the Hajj. In both cases, well deserved!
2015.Awesome, awesome start to the year.
I think after two years of grovelling in mediocrity,was stuck in a job and a relationship that wasn’t heading where I wanted it to be.And letting go of both was probably the best two decisions I did in 2014.
I’ve started this first month by getting three columns of my own.
Every Tuesday,in The Malaysian Insider.
Every other Thursday, in Projek Dialog.
Every other Friday, in Kuala Lumpur Post.
Not one, but three columns!
With many, many other awesome things happening in my life as well. I think I’ve met a good luck charm!😀
And yes, this post means I’m reviving this blog as well!
Last week, I posted a Facebook status that went viral.It was meant as a satirical joke, and friends who know me took it as such.
Unfortunately, it soon took a life of its own and before long, every other person saw it.I’d like to apologize if you were one of those who read it an was offended by it. It was only meant to point out the ludicirous nature of religious-tinged sensationalist news we see these days.
Again, apologies to those who were offended by it. To those who asked-the Putu Piring sequel will have a much tamer but hopefully equally funny disposition.
1)Mardi Gras is actually a cover for us.We use colourful swingers to recruit.Coz Christians are totally fab people.You know,we even have a local wing known as MARDI.You have been warned.
2)Those Brazilian bikini waxes you have?All a scam.We recite secret prayers while pulling out h…air.Don’t you feel liberated,pure and clean after a wax?Well yea that’s subtle programming meant to mimic a Catholic confession or evangelical deliverance.
3)The football field is actually in the shape of the Shroud of Turin.The ball is black and white,symbolizing good and evil,and the goalposts symbolizes the infinite battle between good and evil(hence teams are named Red Devils-representing Satan and Real Sociedad,representing ,um,Socialism).Everytime Everton scores a goal,Jesus smiles.And everytime the Devils scores a goal,well,an ISMA soul is condemned to Hell and God cries(that’s why we kneel,repentant,make the sign of the cross and kiss the crucifix..)
4)Our headquarters is a secret lair under the Christ the Redeemer statue.At night,the orange light that is emitted from Jesus’ eyes converts approximately 5,000-5,500 people.
5)Capoiera is also another way we secretly convert people.Brazilian jiujitsu is an example of how we converted those heathen Jap samurai.Never look into your trainers eyes,if you notice the orange flash,look away or you will be converted.If you tear apart your training mat,you’ll find verses from Song of Solomon.
6)Blanka-converting unsuspecting Malaysian Street Fighter players since 1991.That electric thing isn’t electric at all.That’s the Holy Spirit,yo.
7)The Cup of Life is named after the Holy Grail.You all have been idol worshipping since Astro bought the license for World Cup.
8)Even Brazilian beauty queens are part of this.If you go to most churches,you will find all our wardens and ushers also wear sashes.The fact that Perkasa has recently started using sashes just goes on to demonstrate the extent of this conspiracy.
9)Rio is like the capital of Jesusdom.All those of you watched a movie named after Rio have been indoctrinated.The bird symbolizes everything Christian-hope,freedom,trust,love.We also fitted you in the movie as the vain fat parrot and his bulldog sidekick.The fact you find them cute is part of our sinister plan.
10)I guess now we’ll just have to use our next base of Operations- Gujerat.You think we’ve been calling them Kukgrejas for nothing?
We are a strange nation. We don’t seem to have a grasp on the ‘bigger picture’- and in this blogger’s humble opinion, too immersed in a ‘Syok Sendiri’ frame of mind that consumes us whole and spits us out. And we’re too Syok Sendiri to even notice.
I don’t get some of our ‘environmentalists’.We cry, yell and moan about Lynas, but we’re first in line to wait for Samsung Galaxy 5.We complain about the radiation that it generates, yet we demand clear 4G LTE signal in a toilet in the middle of Rantau Panjang.Our forests in Sabah, Sarawak, Pahang and half of Malaysia are being razed by acre and hectare, yet we’re always obsessed about saving this Bukit and that Taman, small patches of green in an uptown, upmarket neighbourhood, ironically, often built IN a flatted out hill or cleared patch of forest. I don’t understand why we’re building an expensive enclosure for pandas, sending our experts to learn about their food and breeding patterns when our own tigers and tapir are dying, and why we have to rely on foreigners to help save our Orang Utans.
I don’t get our education system.Our own citizens cannot get an education- we read about it every year about SPM students not getting a place in local universities. No academic year goes past before at least one disabled person, one poor Malay kid in a shack, one Orang Asal child carried by his dad, one MCA or DAP fella doing a press conference with an overachieveing Chinese kid who was denied medicine or law with his 50A1s, one crying Indian girl. Its like a repeat of a bad tape that we first played in 1990.Yet our universities are crawling with Africans, Canadians,Arabs,Chinese and assorted citizens from Middle Eastern countries we like to mock(read: Syiah). Why?
I don’t get our National HR policy.Why are we glad to pay RM 2,500 for a foreigner in a construction site, but reluctant to raise the average base pay of a local graduate to RM 2,500? Why are we spending millions to get back people who turned their backs on Malaysia, but thinking of new ways to tax the poor local souls already struggling with a laughable salary? Why do we bend over backwards to appease countries like Bangladesh,Vietnam and Indonesia with their stringent terms of employing their locals but make it difficult for our workers to unionize? Why do clerical staff in corporations get better protection,and many cases, better pay and benefits than people who spent four years in university, and struggling to pay off their PTPTN loan? What’s the point of having a workforce holding MBAs, PMPs and many other three-letter-acronyms if you’re going to pay them LOL salaries and drive them to Singapore?
I don’t get our dynamics of ‘development’. Why do we have many kampungs without running water and relying on generator sets but can afford to build a water theme park in every state? Why do we have water shortages in half the Peninsula when we have thousands of fountains and swimming pools with no water cut? Why are companies that are responsible for tens of thousands of stalled bridges, roads, buildings and housing projects invited by the government to go bid for projects in China, India and Dubai?
Why are we so obsessed with Palestine,Darfur,Libya,Sri Lanka when we’re not really bothered about Kampung Baru,Kampung Lindungan or Jalan Sultan?Why do we collect money for people to fight for their rights 10,000 miles away when barely 10km from KL, there are poor natives? Why are we trying to broker peace deals with people who attack our tourist resorts and attacking countries who have been good neighbours to us?
I don’t get it. Maybe its because I didn’t do the BTN course.